La Lunatique

??? ~ 3.6.07

2012-01-27T22:21:00.003-06:00

Have you ever made a huge decision by taking your time and being real thorough? Like making a pros and cons list and you weigh everything all scientific like and the equation adds up to yes for the one thing and no for the other thing and you go with the yes thing like your scientificness has dictated? Then later when that yes thing stops being a yes thing and starts being a what-the-fuck-did-I-do thing and you start freaking out 'cause you did all the listing and the adding and the sciencing and you went with the right answer thing so why is it now the wrong answer thing and what was originially the no thing is all golden-hued and perfect-memoried in your dreams and when you wake you can't really determine if you've asked if you could go back to the no thing like you dreamt or not? And you start dragging through your day looking for another thing to weigh against the used-to-be-yes thing that has become the no thing so you can start all over again 'cause there's just no way you can back to the original no thing because even though the used-to-be-yes thing is now a no thing the original no thing really is still a no thing which is what got you here in the first damn place? No? Me neither.

the pursuit of crappiness ~ 3.31.07

2012-01-27T22:14:00.004-06:00

I wait for the lights to come on as I've lost the ability to flip the switch. It seems I've walked the street for days looking for the hand that controls the light only to find continued darkness. Unfortunately daylight only burns the truth out of me. I crave artificial light, the spastic, irregular glow of the television bouncing off of the walls assaults me with friendly fire trapping me in a world of designer straight jackets minus the benzodiazepine. In the darkness I am safe.
I am a coward.

disjointed ~ 7.22.08

2012-01-27T22:11:00.000-06:00

I move slowly wrapped in darkness. What appears to be empty and unending is filled with fleeting moments of clarity. Careful not to move too quickly I avoid all surprises. A slow drawn out pace serves to calm the neurosis of an undrugged mind. I wish upon stars and lesser knowns for directions I know I will not follow. If only there were light in this corner of my mind instead of shadows maybe some things would stop happening.

one world to the left ~ 3.25.09

2012-01-27T22:00:00.002-06:00

A new blood pulses through my veins to the off time beat of syncopated disbelief. I am trying to establish a rhythm, a rule but it eludes me just now. There is an incorrigible effervesence just below the skin on my cheeks. I am changing, melting, melding into something unrecognizably grand. I won't be long, I'm just around the corner, one world to the left.

burdens & blessings

2012-01-22T00:05:00.000-06:00

The advantage is that there is purity in pain and a profound beauty in sadness that you simply can’t reach if you don’t just sit right down and wallow in it, linger in the stench of it, suffer it, every bit of it to truly understand how blessed you are. The disadvantage is you can’t escape it, you belong to it this thing, this ache or rather I belong to the ache, I can’t escape it.

wounds

2012-01-20T22:31:00.002-06:00

The air gets trapped in a small pocket under my left breast, the harder I fight the more it constricts. The pain is a welcome reminder of my existence it is my burden, my gift, my grace. And I will always fight, forcing the blood from my soul as a sacrifice on the alter of breath itself. What is it to live without pain? I’m not sure I want to know. What would motivate me to move past this moment?

workday #1532

2011-03-19T11:40:00.003-05:00

I'm baffled by my inability to breathe in a seemingly well ventilated room. The silence is more than stifling, it's suffocating. A red-blooded human cannot survive inhaling the stale fumes of surrender emanating from the depths of this beige hell I've been sentenced to.
I pray for revolution.

my beloved

2011-02-26T11:45:00.007-06:00

I get lost inside of you

your distant eyes

speak to me

your luscious smile

teases me

I get lost inside of you

your wicked mind

feeds me

your wounded heart

completes me

I get lost inside of you

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over my shoulder ~ 12.31.08

2011-02-23T21:04:00.002-06:00

Slowly I walk
not towards but away from

I want faded pictures
of tiny objects viewed through squinted eyes

I want distant memories
of out of focus experience to share over coffee

I want impressionist paintings
of vague happenings to be all that lingers

Slowly I turn
not away from but towards...

forbidden

2011-02-21T21:26:00.003-06:00

In those moments between

when we are almost touching

my skin on the verge of breaking

the fire that passes between us

destroys me, renders me defenseless

I am frozen, trapped in my desire for you

one slight movement, one breath

and I shall collapse

lost forever to this world

ebb ~ 11.7.08

2011-02-21T20:58:00.004-06:00

I was feeling low and losery and wasting my life like and decided that Baudelaire may give me sweeter dreams so I picked a page and read of Cythera long and complex and beyond my knowing but ends with God give me strength to contemplate my soul and I was momentarily healed on the spot still willing to see what tomorrow brings not that I ever wouldn't want to see a tomorrow but it sounded good right so hello again the antisocial neurosis is on vacation or something or maybe it takes exactly thirty days to recover ones self after a terrorist attack on your/my psyche before Baudelaire remedied the six thousand four hundred and thirty fourth revolution of redundant broken brain that plagues the existence of my thinking thing I had probed the addiction vortex the hole that cannot be filled the hunger that increases when fed and pondered what exactly is missing that needs to be replaced but cannot and if you are prone to such things is it even possible to restore that which is absent or is the affliction permanent the pondering the contemplating the digging the aching the looking the searching the knowing

shaken and stirred ~ 8.20.08

2011-02-18T20:28:00.004-06:00

muddled mumbly moments flow together with liquid confidence and the scenery shifts

swirling reds and swinging vines link humans to gods with umbilical precision

the crack of a bat hangs a question mark in the damp evening air

the crowds cheer as I walk the talk, shoulders back, assets forward

pull out the big guns baby, I'm ten feet tall, I'm a tall drink, a swagger

do the math, it adds up then subtracts itself, retracts itself to a quiet corner

just a minute please

deep breath, step back, size up the situation

launch one last attack of wit on the unsuspecting khaki coalition

sashay an extraction

the sun looming on the horizon looks an awful lot like truth and consequences for the invincible

restoration

2011-02-18T20:20:00.005-06:00

Due to an overwhelming amount of fear I decimated what was my most treasured creation. Over the next days, weeks, months I will be restoring what I so foolishly destroyed approximately one year ago. Thank you to all that have the courage to put yourself out there. I am forever in your debt.

that explains everything

2011-02-05T20:01:00.003-06:00

Can I borrow something a little sharper?
I can't quite scratch the surface with my dull point.

guidance

2010-11-09T18:10:00.003-06:00

everything is out of order you don't understand well you couldn't understand because of the problem with the order it's misleading even if you don't know the truth take it for what it is and nothing more you can't go far with what's right in front of you you can't use the clues that were left because they weren't left as clues it's all too much to explain and well the problem with the order makes it useless to try just take my word for it and let the words fall where they may and make no sense of the whole or it will be lost on you forever just take it one piece at a time

trust me

the unlikely gift

2010-11-03T20:55:00.004-05:00

Stay curious my child for gentle will come this way again
and sweeter will it have never been
But for the teardrops and the broken hearts
that were bitter comfort in the fright filled dark
You may have missed the power of a delicate kiss
or the flutter of a heartbeat awash in bliss
Through tears the moon shines more luminous still
and all the heartbreaks only strengthen your will
So stay curious my child gentle will come this way again
and richer you will have never been

?

2010-09-27T20:10:00.000-05:00

I find myself again and again.
How is it that I keep getting lost?

poet

2010-09-23T18:00:00.005-05:00

I was meant to wander
to drip lazy through the days
melt across the roadway
and seep into forever
one drop at a time

I was meant to linger
to slip quietly through the nights
drift above the rooftops
and evaporate into dawn
one atom at a time

I was meant to ponder

to sink madly into oblivion

drink in the galaxies

and swallow the universe

one star at a time

I was meant to wonder

to gaze longingly into devastation

embrace the ache

and absorb all of eternity

one breath at a time

converse

2010-09-21T19:43:00.004-05:00

I am wondering aloud to the empty house. It does not answer me back. I sense it resents the intrusion and punishes me with silence.
Oh well such is Tuesday.

coward

2010-09-16T19:55:00.000-05:00

Because I am a coward because I frighten easily occasionally I lose my way

ascent

2010-02-12T18:18:00.000-06:00

I've reached a point, a boiling point if you will, because this is my time to come undone or not, please not if I can help it, let me rise to the occasion help me rise above the degradation, I simply cannot fall or be sucked down into the mire that perpetuates the hate.

I've proven genius in the face of ignorance and power in the place of weakness and courage ah the courage but not without the fear, the fear that the something that one thing that keeps coming back to haunt me won't stop until I stand up until I rise up until I wise up until I just keep going.

I.will.not.break.