Friday, January 27, 2012
Have you ever made a huge decision by taking your time and being real thorough? Like making a pros and cons list and you weigh everything all scientific like and the equation adds up to yes for the one thing and no for the other thing and you go with the yes thing like your scientificness has dictated? Then later when that yes thing stops being a yes thing and starts being a what-the-fuck-did-I-do thing and you start freaking out 'cause you did all the listing and the adding and the sciencing and you went with the right answer thing so why is it now the wrong answer thing and what was originially the no thing is all golden-hued and perfect-memoried in your dreams and when you wake you can't really determine if you've asked if you could go back to the no thing like you dreamt or not? And you start dragging through your day looking for another thing to weigh against the used-to-be-yes thing that has become the no thing so you can start all over again 'cause there's just no way you can back to the original no thing because even though the used-to-be-yes thing is now a no thing the original no thing really is still a no thing which is what got you here in the first damn place? No? Me neither.
I wait for the lights to come on as I've lost the ability to flip the switch. It seems I've walked the street for days looking for the hand that controls the light only to find continued darkness. Unfortunately daylight only burns the truth out of me. I crave artificial light, the spastic, irregular glow of the television bouncing off of the walls assaults me with friendly fire trapping me in a world of designer straight jackets minus the benzodiazepine. In the darkness I am safe.
I am a coward.
I am a coward.
I move slowly wrapped in darkness. What appears to be empty and unending is filled with fleeting moments of clarity. Careful not to move too quickly I avoid all surprises. A slow drawn out pace serves to calm the neurosis of an undrugged mind. I wish upon stars and lesser knowns for directions I know I will not follow. If only there were light in this corner of my mind instead of shadows maybe some things would stop happening.
A new blood pulses through my veins to the off time beat of syncopated disbelief. I am trying to establish a rhythm, a rule but it eludes me just now. There is an incorrigible effervescence just below the skin on my cheeks. I am changing, melting, melding into something unrecognizably grand. I won't be long, I'm just around the corner, one world to the left.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The advantage is that there is purity in pain and a profound beauty in sadness that you simply can’t reach if you don’t just sit right down and wallow in it, linger in the stench of it, suffer it, every bit of it to truly understand how blessed you are. The disadvantage is you can’t escape it, you belong to it this thing, this ache or rather I belong to the ache, I can’t escape it.
Friday, January 20, 2012
The air gets trapped in a small pocket under my left breast, the harder I fight the more it constricts. The pain is a welcome reminder of my existence it is my burden, my gift, my grace. And I will always fight, forcing the blood from my soul as a sacrifice on the altar of breath itself. What is it to live without pain? I’m not sure I want to know. What would motivate me to move past this moment?