Friday, January 27, 2012

??? ~ 3.6.07

Have you ever made a huge decision by taking your time and being real thorough? Like making a pros and cons list and you weigh everything all scientific like and the equation adds up to yes for the one thing and no for the other thing and you go with the yes thing like your scientificness has dictated? Then later when that yes thing stops being a yes thing and starts being a what-the-fuck-did-I-do thing and you start freaking out 'cause you did all the listing and the adding and the sciencing and you went with the right answer thing so why is it now the wrong answer thing and what was originially the no thing is all golden-hued and perfect-memoried in your dreams and when you wake you can't really determine if you've asked if you could go back to the no thing like you dreamt or not? And you start dragging through your day looking for another thing to weigh against the used-to-be-yes thing that has become the no thing so you can start all over again 'cause there's just no way you can back to the original no thing because even though the used-to-be-yes thing is now a no thing the original no thing really is still a no thing which is what got you here in the first damn place? No? Me neither.


  1. The answer is yes for me. I have totally done that. I think sometimes I put all the "Should" and "Need To" in one column and it adds up to a mighty force. The answer must be yes, with all those line items! But the heart has something to say, and it can't be made to pro con. It just FEELS. And life has something to say, and God too...if you believe.

    I often let the Should's preempt the truth. Maybe this is something to consider next time you do the pro con. Science has no heart. I feel you pain and disappointment. How hard we try to get it right, eh? It cannot be considered failure to have tried so hard. Just a bend in the road. All learning is important, especially the lessons we live.


    ShHOULD shouldn't touch
    the most basic truth of yourself
    the undeniable fabric weave
    that knits your organs in that unique
    unduplicated fingerprint.

    SHOULD is the clay with which an alternate self
    creates it's fantasy
    and the will to believe it.

    With an ever thickening skin
    our hands mold every SHOULD
    we've ever been told or assumed
    into an inalienable "right"
    until the day we crack our facade
    with tissue eyes
    our marrow no longer running
    the brittle bones of building
    and it all falls down.
    ~Annie 1/19/12

  2. I followed my should all the way to the end and let it break me in half. But in those broken pieces my essence remained and my truth revealed itself clearer than ever before. I have set about walking that path and although it is slow going and occasionally I lose my footing I continue to walk forward and gain strength. You are absolutely correct in the lessons we live being important learning. It may be painful but we learn it at a cell level, never forgetting that pain (I call it blessed motivation).

    I often should all over myself, it's exhausting and I'm learning, slowly, how to stop. I love your "Should" it really captures the horror we bring upon ourselves with this powerful weapon of personal warfare. I will read it often to remind me of where it truly leads.

  3. choices and personal accountability ...

    be your true self as often and as much as you can; what more could we try for? what more could we ask a tortured god to share?

    she smiles and cries a lot too, i think

    and loves anyway ...

  4. Authenticity, so elusive yet I will never stop reaching for it.

    Yes and yes and yes, as my kindred spirit knows me too well!