the big bang

Entering the frame of quantum mind, letting it all exist side by side, swirling about inside the brain and out. Each twinkling a birth of sorts, spark alive, snuffed to death and so on and so on, no end, no begin just a circle spattering of galaxy existing all at once and not at all. I understand it, the constant motion of thought, the fingers shooting off in a thousand different directions, starbursts of grandiosity. So many roads to travel, so many possibilities to explore, so where do I go? How do I map this? How do I turn the map sideways, set it on the floor, walk around it and view it from the other side? I see it, the dark matter splattered across the blinding white screen, the next dimension unraveling, weaving a new tale, an epic saga playing out on the inside of my eyelids. I SEE IT. I can’t help that it blinds you. I can’t say that I’m sorry that it does either. I rather enjoy being one of the few gifted with sight. It’s not nice to say but it’s true and truth matters more now. I spent a long time struggling with this gift of sight and the aloneness that accompanies it. I still struggle at times although it is less frequent since I corrected the path. I now have an unobstructed view that comforts me and the view is that of possibility, the truth, the rightness of direction. I will eventually walk out of your view, out of your conceptual grasp. You can only still see me because I currently exist in both of our worlds. I will leave yours, I promise. And the moment I step off, it will drop from orbit tumbling into oblivion like a crumpled piece of paper tossed away in a motion of letting go, a moment of giving up. My mind is on fire at the thought. To see only dust in my wake excites me from the underside and there is fire there too. Passion burns in me, turns me inside out and back again. It abuses me, takes liberties weaker women couldn’t entertain but I am not weak I only appear that way to the small of mind. My perceived weaknesses are my power. I can break open again and again and again and rebuild from the tiniest remnants. I only need one cell to rise from the ash. So go ahead and swing your hammers and bats, strip the flesh from my useless bones. Claw out my eyes if you wish, I cannot be blinded because I SEE. But the bigger truth is I am beyond your grasp.
I AM BEYOND

*disclaimer ~ In order to ease the discomfort my truth seems to inspire in those that populate my daily grind I offer a more palatable yet distinctly small version of myself. Inevitably this small pressurized incarnation occasionally pushes back.

??? ~ 3.6.07

Have you ever made a huge decision by taking your time and being real thorough? Like making a pros and cons list and you weigh everything all scientific like and the equation adds up to yes for the one thing and no for the other thing and you go with the yes thing like your scientificness has dictated? Then later when that yes thing stops being a yes thing and starts being a what-the-fuck-did-I-do thing and you start freaking out 'cause you did all the listing and the adding and the sciencing and you went with the right answer thing so why is it now the wrong answer thing and what was originially the no thing is all golden-hued and perfect-memoried in your dreams and when you wake you can't really determine if you've asked if you could go back to the no thing like you dreamt or not? And you start dragging through your day looking for another thing to weigh against the used-to-be-yes thing that has become the no thing so you can start all over again 'cause there's just no way you can back to the original no thing because even though the used-to-be-yes thing is now a no thing the original no thing really is still a no thing which is what got you here in the first damn place? No? Me neither.

the pursuit of crappiness ~ 3.31.07

I wait for the lights to come on as I've lost the ability to flip the switch. It seems I've walked the street for days looking for the hand that controls the light only to find continued darkness. Unfortunately daylight only burns the truth out of me. I crave artificial light, the spastic, irregular glow of the television bouncing off of the walls assaults me with friendly fire trapping me in a world of designer straight jackets minus the benzodiazepine. In the darkness I am safe.
I am a coward.

disjointed ~ 7.22.08

I move slowly wrapped in darkness. What appears to be empty and unending is filled with fleeting moments of clarity. Careful not to move too quickly I avoid all surprises. A slow drawn out pace serves to calm the neurosis of an undrugged mind. I wish upon stars and lesser knowns for directions I know I will not follow. If only there were light in this corner of my mind instead of shadows maybe some things would stop happening.

one world to the left ~ 3.25.09

A new blood pulses through my veins to the off time beat of syncopated disbelief. I am trying to establish a rhythm, a rule but it eludes me just now. There is an incorrigible effervescence just below the skin on my cheeks. I am changing, melting, melding into something unrecognizably grand. I won't be long, I'm just around the corner, one world to the left.

burdens & blessings

The advantage is that there is purity in pain and a profound beauty in sadness that you simply can’t reach if you don’t just sit right down and wallow in it, linger in the stench of it, suffer it, every bit of it to truly understand how blessed you are. The disadvantage is you can’t escape it, you belong to it this thing, this ache or rather I belong to the ache, I can’t escape it.

wounds

The air gets trapped in a small pocket under my left breast, the harder I fight the more it constricts. The pain is a welcome reminder of my existence it is my burden, my gift, my grace. And I will always fight, forcing the blood from my soul as a sacrifice on the altar of breath itself. What is it to live without pain? I’m not sure I want to know. What would motivate me to move past this moment?